Manscape! And that's an order.

Fellas - come on. No one's above a little grooming. Your partner will be forever appreciative - promise. Encourage or celebrate your techniques with this little piece of cross stitchery.



Great definition from urbandictionary.com:

A term used to define male grooming below the belt. A male can use both an electric razor or a regular razor. A Mach 3 is preferable with the ladies on the testicular area. No female likes to deal with hairy balls, so men must education themselves on proper manscaping and maintenance techniques.

My favorite profanity

My fav profanity is hands down, without a doubt the f-bomb.

Here is a little cutie-piece that was actually inspired by a Perez Hilton tweet, proclaiming simply "fuckity." How had a never come across this divine derivative of the word?!? I of course, immediately fell in love with it - hence the hearts and lovey-dovey stuff. Thanks Perez for introducing me to this gem, and thank you for all your trashy gossip that I can't help but obsessively read.


Looooves it.

Bitch, please

Hey! You can't bring that in here...Bitch, please.
Get your hands off my man!...Bitch, please.
I need this report in 10...Bitch, please.
Nobody could ever pull off that pleather jumpsuit...Bitch, please.

So versatile, "Bitch please" is the perfect response to essentially any ludicrous statement uttered by anyone other than yourself at home, school, the office, or simply out on the town.

Fuck Bozo

People are scared of many things...psycho killers, bugs, aliens, ghosts - and even scary, evil clowns. However, my friend Mark isn't. This piece was inspired by one of Mark's tweets in which he proclaimed his preference for the "evil clown." When I read it I went into a fit 'o laughter. I have no idea who he was referring to...fingers crossed it just wasn't John Wayne Gacy. Yikes.

For fun here are a couple classic evil clowns. Courtesy of Wikipedia.
The Joker
It
Insane Clown Posse
Doink the Clown

Available soon at my Etsy shoppee.

80s Friday!

**Ring, Ring**
Hello?
Yes, its the 80s calling and I want my mixed tape back.
What?
I said, it's the 80s and I want my mixed tape back!
Sorry pal. It's mine and I'm never gonna give, never gonna give, never gonna give it up.



So at lunch today, good old Lyon's Pub was rocking a plethora of 80s jams. In this spirit I thought I should post this ditty. Hope you like-skis.

Get the pattern to stitch your own mixed tape here.

Are you a dirty bird?

I know I am.


Now if I could only snag cute gent that looks like Alfie. A Jude Law Alfie, not a Michael Cane. Please and Thank you.

Woody Allen, Jazz Clarinetist

I never really appreciated or enjoyed Woody Allen until I met my friend Jacob in college. He introduced me to Manhattan, Sleeper, Zelig, Broadway Danny Rose, and Annie Hall. Today, I love (most) Woody Allen flicks. ...Let's just not talk about that Jason Biggs one.

Here are a couple funny quotes for your reading enjoyment.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

My brain: it's my second favorite organ.

There's an old joke... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life — full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness — and it's all over much too quickly.

For maximum effect, I recommend the following:

1. Print the above image.
2. Cut a sliver for a mouth hole.
3. Call up a friend or co-worker to assist.
4. Have said friend or co-worker watch while you read the lines thorough the mouth hole on the print out - essentially embodying the real Woody Allen.
5. Enjoy!
   

Did someone say crackhead?

Amy Winehouse.
Whitney Houston.
Pete Doherty.
Rick James.

Are you or someone you know a C-R-A-C-K-H-E-A-D? If so, then you (or they) need to join the ranks of famous celebs and get this...


Smoke up.

Martini time

It's Friday afternoon. So needless to say that means I'll probably be drinkin' in a couple hours. Hooray for happy hour!

Just a note to any interested parties...


And for the record, that's extra dirty. How do you like yours????

Your mom goes to college

...oh yeah? Well your mom smokes crack. So there.


Available soon at my Etsy store. For now, I give you Wesley Willis & his ode to crack smokin mommas.

My! What a large snake you have.

There's just so many hilarious sexual innuendos that one may choose from. At times it can get downright hard. So why choose? Go on and just take the easy way out.


What's your go-to sexual innuendo? Here's a couple to get you started:
- I have nothing to put my wiener in.
- Where did you get all that wood?
- I had to beat off three other guys just to get this place in line.
- I'm going Downtown.

Not Your Grandma's

This piece is little, cute and features a lovely pearl necklace. Of course this is Stitch Out Loud - so I'm not really referring to the kind your grandma wore. That is, unless she was one dirty bird.


On sale at my etsy store. Now go forth and buy!

That's ReCOCKulous

This piece is so awesome it's not ridiculous, or even redonkulous...it's reCOCKulous. Well that and it features a large strapping cock.

So this one is for those of you that appreciate a lovely cock or just like flaunting one...ennnnn-joy!



Just for laughs...here are a couple of my favorite quotes/entries from urbandictionary.com.
Sam, look at that enormous cock!
That cock woke me up a 3 AM this morning!
This cock is mine.
My cock could kill you.

It's Not My Fault

I cuss.
I swear.
I have a dirty mouth.
But let's pretend it's not my fault. It's just my fucking Tourette's.



The perfect justification for spewing obscenities and profanities to your heart's content. Finally!

Happy Birth-tizzle Mr. Lincoln

So its Ab Lincoln's birthday today. If he were still alive he'd be hella old and probably scared of a whole lotta awesome technology. Anywho, in honor of the 200th anniversary of his birth, I submit to you a little anti-war piece. (A stretch..agreed. What-ev-skis)

As I've said before there are a lot of things in world that are much better to make than war...sandwiches, fun, good time and even awkward sexual advances.


Cheers!