Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

...these are a few of my favorite things.

Okay, okay. Vices. Whatevs. Ta-mato, toe-mato.

Bottom line: I have more vices than I can shake a stick at. But here are some of my favs. Naturally...I thought this piece worthy of a Friday post.

For those of you celebrating the birth of Christ this year...

I would love to make one of these as a pre-Christmas gift for for my mom and dad. But then I realized as soon as I were to present them with said gift - they would provide me me a polite courtesy chuckle, an "oh Shanna," then quickly hide it, ensuring that friend nor family could see the profane and lewd work of their daughter.

Maybe next year.

Ho, Ho, Hoe

What's not to love about a big tall dude that travels the world and give you lots of presents?


Available soon at my Etsy shop!

Naughty or Nice?

Usually I'm a COMPLETE angel...but this year I decided to move over to the fun side.

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

That's right...the holiday season rapidly approaches. I have to confess that I'm a total sucker for holiday ambiance so stitched up a couple goodies.

Here's the first for your viewing pleasure:


More to come over the next few days. Cheers!

The Hearting Things Series - #2

As a wise man once said...


You should probably buy this for someone for the upcoming holidays. Just saying.

The Hearting Things Series - #1

Last week a girlfriend of mine asked me if I could help her out with a wedding present. After accepting the "challenge," I thought, hmmm....what will truly capture the magic of marriage, and who can I look to that really kicks ass in matters of the heart? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks - duh, Gob Bluth!

So I borrowed one of my fav Arrested Development moments - and this little gem of a wedding gift was born!



Gob: My God, what is this feeling?
Michael: Well, you know the-the feeling that you’re... that you’re feeling is-is what many of us call “a feeling.”
Gob: But it’s not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it’s the opposite. It’s... it’s like my heart is getting hard.

Even Bad Asses Love Stitch Out Loud

As you can see even studly, bad-to-the-bone(rs) like Mr. Fuji need some Stitch Out Loud awesomeness.


This is a picture from a customer of mine. It cracks me up. What else could a pet frog need in his life but a volcano-like water bowl, some mulchy looking stuff, a few flies, a tropical plant, and of course a "Fuck that shit." cross stitch.

Yes.

Thanks C.

The Multifunctional Comeback

Use it any time, any place. It's pretty much perfect.


Face!

A Little Motivation for When You Need It Most

It's Wednesday. Work is busy. Nothing good is on TV. The weekend seems like light years away. Summer is fading. Pay day isn't until next week. And you ran out of coffee again.

Hey Debbie Downer - don't let negativity get the best of you. Remember to make the most of the moment, and to quote Tracy Morgan, "Live every week like it's Shark Week."



Hells-to-the-yeahs.

Fuckstick Friday

This is today's Friday "F" word.

So simple.
So direct.
So awesome.

Now go forth - and rock it this weekend!

I'm no angel...

...because it's simply more fun to be rowdy & mischievous.

Thank you for being a friend.

Let's be frank. The Golden Girls were some hot ass HILARIOUS chickies.

This is my celebration of the loveable Bea Arthur, Betty White, Rue McClanaha and Estelle Getty.



Here's a great "Golden" Moments clip from YouTube for your viewing enjoyment.



I think I've always been a Dorthy...or maybe a Blanche...or maybe a little of both. Which golden girl are you?

If Snoop Dogg was a Grandma...

He'd have gin & juice for breakfast, pot shaped dollies and, of course, this little piece in his entry way.

The nice weather always inspires

Why spend the nice summer weather doing silly things like biking, camping and talking long walks? I say the best way to enjoy a fine sunny day is with a bevie in hand. If you can do any of the above with a drink...even better.

Here's a little ditty that I feel wraps up my sentiments perfectly.


Man, I love Jack Handy.

In Memory

Whatcha gonna do with all that junk all that junk inside your trunk

"We snapped our necks 'round, lost the beat of the funk, and laid our eyes upon Maryjane's beautiful badunkadunk." -Urbandictionary.com

Although I was not "blessed" with a badunkadunk...here's to all the ladies that were.



I suppose this is also a tribute to Sir Mix-a-lot too. Because I basically had a dance to the entire Baby Got Back song in Middle School. It was pretty awesome. Holla.

"Arnold" WTF Celebriphrase #2

He's been Mr. Universe, the Terminator, Kindergarten Cop and even the Governor of California. He's also tall, brawny and infamous for all the "amazing" things that come out of his mouth.

This WTF celebriphrase celebrates (or blatently laughs at) Arnold's great bod, and his even greater conversational skills.


Available soon at my Etsy shop.

What a Bastard

Just in case you didn't know there are NUMEROUS meanings and definitions for the word: Bastard.

Child born to parents who are not married to one another
Blackletter typeface
Type of color gel
Township in Ontario, Canada
Gothic script
Classification of the teeth of a metalworking file
Type of longsword
Former name of the band Motörhead
Fucking jerk

Of course, my preferred use of the word is hands down the profane, derogatory one. Here it is a little ditty I whipped up. Stitched on canvas this little bastard keeps me company in my kitchen.

Throw your hands up!

This one is a shout out to all my gay guy friends - and the men and women who love them. There are just some things that are more fun to go out and do with a gay boy...period. Am I right or am I right?


SIDE NOTE: So just to clarify I'm talking about Moe as in Ho-mo-sexual. I am definitely not referring to the Japanese slang world for the fetish or love for characters in anime (which I just found out apparently is "Moe"...yikes). I'm just a total dumb ass and completely misspelled the word (usually Mo). So, let's just pretend there are two ways to spell Mo. Coolio? Yes.

It's Friday - Have a Beer!

A while back I did a cross stitch for Dogfish Head beer, and they used it in an ad. It's a kick-ass beer, and the ad is pretty kickin' as well if I do say so myself (insert humbleness here).

Here's the cross stitch:


Here's the print ad:






Happy Friday Playas.

Loving & Cocktails Are Not Mutually Exclusive

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves.
Some people enjoy the occasional [...or daily] happy hour.

I do both.


(Yes, those are mini hearts & livers in case you were wondering...)

I bet unicorns have big dongs.

Unicorns are pretty awesome. They're magical. They have one giant horn. They star in hilarious YouTube videos. AND...they play by their own rules - which makes them pretty bad ass.

Here are some examples of just how rad unicorns are:
Charlie the Unicorn
Planet Unicorn
Rollerskating Unicorn

Oh...and I forgot, they without a doubt are definitely packing downstairs.

Teamwork

Lesson #47: Teamwork. A selfish partner is no bueno when it comes to matters of the heart...or the bedroom.

"Oh Mariah" WTF Celebriphrase #1

I like celebrities. They entertain in so many ways. They sing, they act, they canoodle, and of course say the darndest things. This is my first in a series of glorious "WTF Celebriphrases."


Urbandictionary.com defines a celebriphrase as:
An unbelievable stupid comment said by a celebrity, that is laughed at and mocked by everyone across the nation.

I'm excited. Are you?

Smart AND Sexy

Harry Potter
Clark Kent
Buddy Holly
Dame Edna
Garth
Corey Delaney

I think the list speaks for itself...

Sylvester Stabone-r!

AGENDA ITEM #1:
Check out this quaint, Perez-esque, oh so rockin' boner.
Added Bonus: its small enough to fit in your pocket, allowing you to bring the loving on the road.

ME: "Oh hey there. Is that a banana in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?"

YOU: "Its a boner."

Available soon at my Etsy store

AGENDA ITEM #2:
Congrats to the winners of my first Twitter promotion. The lucky ladies won some St!#ch Out Loud lovin' in the form of stickers. Now its up to them to do their part, and send crafty obscenities into the world on their own.


If you're jealous...its okay. I plan on having more giveaways for my blog & Twitter followers - just hold on tight. Just keep checking in, and ruling school as you do so well. If you want your own stickers - you can get your own set at my etsy shoppee too.

Win? Free?! Stitch Out Loud?!? Awesomeness?!?!

Yesssssssss.

Follow me on Twitter and see what its all about. This is the first in a series of sweet-ass Twitter exclusive give aways. And its a quickie (pun intended). So get while the gettin's good folks!

I like big packages. I like meat.

I'm a Wisconsin girl at heart. Need I say more?

Dirty Cross Stitch for My New Home

First off - my apologies for being MIA as of recent. There have been lots and lots o' things going on. But have no fear - I'm back.

Part of the recent "going ons" was a move. So in honor of my new abode, I present to you a "Stitch Out Loud" dish towel. Yup, I think this pretty much sums me up.


Hope you like-skis. Until next time...

Hot Stuff

Blond bombshell.

Banging brunette.

These sluts don't have anything on a hot ginger. I have red(ish) hair so this of course includes yours truly - but most definitely excludes Carrot Top, Danny Bonaduce, and any other gingie that looks like (and/or is) a total psycho.


Um...F-yeah.

This cross stitch can definately kick your ass.

That's right's right folks, it's one bad ass Chuck Norris cross stitch. It's okay to cringe back in fear - because even in needlepoint he's tough as shiz-nit.


For your reading enjoyment here are a couple AWESOME Norr-dawg facts:

• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Check out the man in action. SUPER KICK!!!

Don't Give a Fuck

It's St. Patrick's Day. {Insert gulp of beer here} Today I have a piece that everyone who is or is not celebrating can {Insert Irish Car Bomb slam here} enjoy.

Be it at work, at home, in your cardboard box - tell those around you how you really feel. {Insert Jameson shot here} Cheers!



NOTE: This line also is extremely appropriate if you wind up drunk later today, and A. Are kicked out of a bar, B. Lose your pants, or C. Or wake up tomorrow next to a fugly.

Manscape! And that's an order.

Fellas - come on. No one's above a little grooming. Your partner will be forever appreciative - promise. Encourage or celebrate your techniques with this little piece of cross stitchery.



Great definition from urbandictionary.com:

A term used to define male grooming below the belt. A male can use both an electric razor or a regular razor. A Mach 3 is preferable with the ladies on the testicular area. No female likes to deal with hairy balls, so men must education themselves on proper manscaping and maintenance techniques.

My favorite profanity

My fav profanity is hands down, without a doubt the f-bomb.

Here is a little cutie-piece that was actually inspired by a Perez Hilton tweet, proclaiming simply "fuckity." How had a never come across this divine derivative of the word?!? I of course, immediately fell in love with it - hence the hearts and lovey-dovey stuff. Thanks Perez for introducing me to this gem, and thank you for all your trashy gossip that I can't help but obsessively read.


Looooves it.

Bitch, please

Hey! You can't bring that in here...Bitch, please.
Get your hands off my man!...Bitch, please.
I need this report in 10...Bitch, please.
Nobody could ever pull off that pleather jumpsuit...Bitch, please.

So versatile, "Bitch please" is the perfect response to essentially any ludicrous statement uttered by anyone other than yourself at home, school, the office, or simply out on the town.

Fuck Bozo

People are scared of many things...psycho killers, bugs, aliens, ghosts - and even scary, evil clowns. However, my friend Mark isn't. This piece was inspired by one of Mark's tweets in which he proclaimed his preference for the "evil clown." When I read it I went into a fit 'o laughter. I have no idea who he was referring to...fingers crossed it just wasn't John Wayne Gacy. Yikes.

For fun here are a couple classic evil clowns. Courtesy of Wikipedia.
The Joker
It
Insane Clown Posse
Doink the Clown

Available soon at my Etsy shoppee.

80s Friday!

**Ring, Ring**
Hello?
Yes, its the 80s calling and I want my mixed tape back.
What?
I said, it's the 80s and I want my mixed tape back!
Sorry pal. It's mine and I'm never gonna give, never gonna give, never gonna give it up.



So at lunch today, good old Lyon's Pub was rocking a plethora of 80s jams. In this spirit I thought I should post this ditty. Hope you like-skis.

Get the pattern to stitch your own mixed tape here.

Are you a dirty bird?

I know I am.


Now if I could only snag cute gent that looks like Alfie. A Jude Law Alfie, not a Michael Cane. Please and Thank you.

Woody Allen, Jazz Clarinetist

I never really appreciated or enjoyed Woody Allen until I met my friend Jacob in college. He introduced me to Manhattan, Sleeper, Zelig, Broadway Danny Rose, and Annie Hall. Today, I love (most) Woody Allen flicks. ...Let's just not talk about that Jason Biggs one.

Here are a couple funny quotes for your reading enjoyment.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

My brain: it's my second favorite organ.

There's an old joke... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life — full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness — and it's all over much too quickly.

For maximum effect, I recommend the following:

1. Print the above image.
2. Cut a sliver for a mouth hole.
3. Call up a friend or co-worker to assist.
4. Have said friend or co-worker watch while you read the lines thorough the mouth hole on the print out - essentially embodying the real Woody Allen.
5. Enjoy!
   

Did someone say crackhead?

Amy Winehouse.
Whitney Houston.
Pete Doherty.
Rick James.

Are you or someone you know a C-R-A-C-K-H-E-A-D? If so, then you (or they) need to join the ranks of famous celebs and get this...


Smoke up.

Martini time

It's Friday afternoon. So needless to say that means I'll probably be drinkin' in a couple hours. Hooray for happy hour!

Just a note to any interested parties...


And for the record, that's extra dirty. How do you like yours????

Your mom goes to college

...oh yeah? Well your mom smokes crack. So there.


Available soon at my Etsy store. For now, I give you Wesley Willis & his ode to crack smokin mommas.

My! What a large snake you have.

There's just so many hilarious sexual innuendos that one may choose from. At times it can get downright hard. So why choose? Go on and just take the easy way out.


What's your go-to sexual innuendo? Here's a couple to get you started:
- I have nothing to put my wiener in.
- Where did you get all that wood?
- I had to beat off three other guys just to get this place in line.
- I'm going Downtown.

Not Your Grandma's

This piece is little, cute and features a lovely pearl necklace. Of course this is Stitch Out Loud - so I'm not really referring to the kind your grandma wore. That is, unless she was one dirty bird.


On sale at my etsy store. Now go forth and buy!

That's ReCOCKulous

This piece is so awesome it's not ridiculous, or even redonkulous...it's reCOCKulous. Well that and it features a large strapping cock.

So this one is for those of you that appreciate a lovely cock or just like flaunting one...ennnnn-joy!



Just for laughs...here are a couple of my favorite quotes/entries from urbandictionary.com.
Sam, look at that enormous cock!
That cock woke me up a 3 AM this morning!
This cock is mine.
My cock could kill you.

It's Not My Fault

I cuss.
I swear.
I have a dirty mouth.
But let's pretend it's not my fault. It's just my fucking Tourette's.



The perfect justification for spewing obscenities and profanities to your heart's content. Finally!

Happy Birth-tizzle Mr. Lincoln

So its Ab Lincoln's birthday today. If he were still alive he'd be hella old and probably scared of a whole lotta awesome technology. Anywho, in honor of the 200th anniversary of his birth, I submit to you a little anti-war piece. (A stretch..agreed. What-ev-skis)

As I've said before there are a lot of things in world that are much better to make than war...sandwiches, fun, good time and even awkward sexual advances.


Cheers!